This Covid malarky has been challenging for all of us in one in one form or another. For many of us, it’s been an opportunity to contemplate past hurts and disappointments. Perhaps these experiences have been a running theme in your life, repeating over and over again like a bad (and tired) sitcom.
Before the lockdown had already started in New Zealand, I was already in the midst of an emotional crisis. Amidst anxiety attacks that were like inner tsunamis, I grappled with grief, perceived judgement, and the ghosts of my past. I sat observing my thoughts and feelings as I wrote in my journal. For most of my life I believed that in order to be accepted by others, I had to dull my light.
As I read back through the old journals from years gone by, the words written described feelings of perceived rejection and of not being enough. My more recent experiences were merely a variation of the same story. Unfortunately, I realise from talking to other people that I’m not alone.
“Too fat”, “too thin”, “too tall”, “too loud”, “too quiet”, “too smart”, “not smart enough”, “not pretty enough”, “too driven”, “not motivated enough”, “too busy”, “too confident”, “not confident enough”. The list of judgements had been endless.
Enough is enough
I couldn’t actually remember ever being enough. I had absorbed a lot of these repeated imposed judgements to the point they had become a jumbled personal self-truth.
The detangling process is one that continues. There are layers of habits, inner dialogues, experiences, and judgements that still make their way to the surface of my consciousness, making me feel that I’m worthless and unworthy. However, the first step toward a more loving treatment of myself has been to remind myself that I am enough.
Inspiration
My Facebook newsfeed had been spookily plagued with an ad showing a ring with “I am enough” inscribed on it. I liked the idea. However, I wanted something that was a little more personal and discreet.
There is a guy here in Nelson who makes rings out of old silver teaspoons. I had always wanted one since I first saw them Paris’ Jewish Quarter in the early 1990s. Alas I hatched a plan to go and treat myself to a silver teaspoon ring.
For the past wee while, I’ve been attending immersion Te Reo classes and thought I’d be clever and have “I am enough” engraved in Te Reo.
I chuckled to myself while walking home from the engravers. In response to anyone who dared to judge me as not enough, I imagined showing them the ring in defiance.
A mistake or merely a correction?
A couple of weeks later, I found out that I’d made a mistake. It would seem that I’d made a spelling mistake. The inscription didn’t mean “I am enough”. The words, “He nui ahau” on my lovely ring actually means “I am great”, or more than enough as I like to think of it.
So, it would seem that the universe had stepped in to correct my thinking, and to remind me that I didn’t need to just settle for enough. And I think that this is so important for all of you who have been going through a similar inner battle.
You are amazing and perfect just as you are. Even with your flaws. You are beautiful. And talented. You, my friends, are extraordinary!
Anne McCormack is author of the book, Lovitude: Trying To Calm The Monkey Mind and the award-winning, Peacock Dreaming: The Wisdom Of Flowers.
Anne is also a Health & Wellness Coach as well as a Psychic Medium, Clinical Aromatherapist, Healing Facilitator and Author who works from The Peacock Dreaming Studio in Oxford (New Zealand).
Feature photo courtesy of Pixabay.
Interested in more articles? Check these out:
Focus on the Moment, Not the Emotion
My Wish For You – Stepping Into Mindfulness
Making Me Happy! A Journey Into Mindfulness
Such powerful words Anne, in my eyes you have always been great! You are an amazing talented, capable woman. You are beautiful inside and out and a woman or is supportive of others, brave and courageous and extrodinary creator, please be more of you and shine that light always x.
Thanks Michelle. We are complicated creatures. Getting up and giving it a go has never been a problem. However, people pleasing and fearing rejection has been a serious issue for me. I was prompted to write this article as over the past few weeks I’ve met a number of women who seem to be going through something similar to what I have. I figured in speaking up about my experience may help others to feel that they are not alone. And that is a big thing sometimes – feeling alone when you are dealing with strong thoughts and feelings that continuously roll around your head. If there is one person who reads this article and feels that someone understands and is inspired then this post is worth it!