This Covid malarky has been challenging for all of us in one in one form or another. For many of us, it’s been an opportunity to contemplate past hurts and disappointments. Perhaps these experiences have been a running theme in your life, repeating over and over again like a bad (and tired) sitcom.
Before the lockdown had already started in New Zealand, I was already in the midst of an emotional crisis. Amidst anxiety attacks that were like inner tsunamis, I grappled with grief, perceived judgement, and the ghosts of my past. I sat observing my thoughts and feelings as I wrote in my journal. For most of my life I believed that in order to be accepted by others, I had to dull my light.
As I read back through the old journals from years gone by, the words written described feelings of perceived rejection and of not being enough. My more recent experiences were merely a variation of the same story. Unfortunately, I realise from talking to other people that I’m not alone.
“Too fat”, “too thin”, “too tall”, “too loud”, “too quiet”, “too smart”, “not smart enough”, “not pretty enough”, “too driven”, “not motivated enough”, “too busy”, “too confident”, “not confident enough”. The list of judgements had been endless.
Enough is enough
I couldn’t actually remember ever being enough. I had absorbed a lot of these repeated imposed judgements to the point they had become a jumbled personal self-truth.
The detangling process is one that continues. There are layers of habits, inner dialogues, experiences, and judgements that still make their way to the surface of my consciousness, making me feel that I’m worthless and unworthy. However, the first step toward a more loving treatment of myself has been to remind myself that I am enough.
My Facebook newsfeed had been spookily plagued with an ad showing a ring with “I am enough” inscribed on it. I liked the idea. However, I wanted something that was a little more personal and discreet.
There is a guy here in Nelson who makes rings out of old silver teaspoons. I had always wanted one since I first saw them Paris’ Jewish Quarter in the early 1990s. Alas I hatched a plan to go and treat myself to a silver teaspoon ring.
For the past wee while, I’ve been attending immersion Te Reo classes and thought I’d be clever and have “I am enough” engraved in Te Reo.
I chuckled to myself while walking home from the engravers. In response to anyone who dared to judge me as not enough, I imagined showing them the ring in defiance.
A mistake or merely a correction?
A couple of weeks later, I found out that I’d made a mistake. It would seem that I’d made a spelling mistake. The inscription didn’t mean “I am enough”. The words, “He nui ahau” on my lovely ring actually means “I am great”, or more than enough as I like to think of it.
So, it would seem that the universe had stepped in to correct my thinking, and to remind me that I didn’t need to just settle for enough. And I think that this is so important for all of you who have been going through a similar inner battle.
You are amazing and perfect just as you are. Even with your flaws. You are beautiful. And talented. You, my friends, are extraordinary!
Anne is embracing her unique psychic mediumship abilities these days and is available for readings for those seeking clarity and comfort. Click on the picture below to find out more.
Feature photo courtesy of Pixabay.