An overwhelming and confronting movie reel starring my past, present and future currently streams in my head. I’m realising how much I buried past trespasses without glaring them in the eye and nipping them in the bud. Now, I sit here wondering how the heck I’m going to be able to trust while vigilantly ensuring I don’t end up in this situation again.
I stand upon the precipice of my present, looking out on the horizon of my future, filled with a jumble of grief, sorrow and trepidation. Historically, I set this tangled ball of feelings aside without dealing with the frustration associated with the detangling process. Today I realise I can’t continue through life like this.
Being stuck in this predicament is not something I desire. And I recognise I have changes and paradigm shifts to make.
Prior to embarking on the forward journey, I need to fully understand how I arrived here in the first place. However, I don’t want to rehash my past like a broken record. I need to set this emotional baggage down here. In the present.
I’ve never had a huge pain threshold. And for the most part, acknowledging the good and wonderful in those who’ve triggered my emotional pain has helped me clamber up the bank of the emotional anguish pool to the safe feeling of ‘peace’.
When I focus on the beauty in those who’ve hurt me, the love I feel numbs the emotional pain a little. A relief which has unfortunately led to me skiving away from taking responsibility for a vital aspect of my self-care.
Over the years I became an expert at explaining away the shitty behaviour of others. I felt the emotional pain of those people as if it were my own. And I reasoned with myself their hurtful words and actions were never about me. Instead a reflection of their own pain.
My inaction in response to their deeds has been a reflection of a deep layer of my own self-worth that’s never been given the opportunity to properly heal.
Understanding & Letting Go
Getting caught in the spin cycle of emotional pain happens. So does self-pity. When stuck in this space though, we only perceive the negative. We don’t trust the glimpses of positivity that glisten before us.
There are some who believe they will never experience romantic love, companionship, self-respect and peace ever again. The thing is, if we never honour our emotional selves, we are just going to keep experiencing painful repetition that reinforces that gloomy perception of life and ourselves. Before long, in our minds this perception becomes ‘fact’.
This morning I heard my spiritual guidance ask, “have you learnt the lesson yet?” When a lesson keeps repeating itself in a diverse array of disguises, I’m being nudged in the ribs to take heed.
I’ve been working so hard on looking after my physical self. I’m getting in shape and nurturing my soul as best I can with music, aromatherapy and journaling. However, somehow my bratty wounded ego has been shouting louder than my spirit this week.
I’ve been caught in a spiral of reflecting on past romantic experiences, noting familiar themes. I found myself questioning whether I would be able to enter another relationship completely with an open heart full of trust.
The truth of the matter is that this is entirely my choice (as pretty much everything else is in life). I can choose to allow others to be disrespectful. And I can choose situations that are healthy rather than ones that are self-destructive.
Keep the Heart Open & the Trust Flowing
I wont be going around, banging on doors ranting to those from my distant past who have “done me wrong”. That opportunity has long gone. They will get their opportunity for being confronted with self-reflection in due course. Just like I am experiencing right now.
What I can do, however, is stand tall and address the trespasses in my present. The communication doesn’t need to be bitter and angry. All I need to do is stand tall and strong, demonstrating my love for myself as much as to others around me. Most importantly, I need to include myself as a priority in the equation when confronted with poor, selfish behaviour.
Feature photo courtesy of Pixabay.