There is change brewing. I feel it with every fibre of my being. I am not feeling it necessary to know what and how the change is going to manifest as I know it is going to be a positive experience for me in whatever form it takes. The patterns and behaviours previously acceptable to me are no longer a comfortable fit. As a result, I am choosing differently. The situations and interactions that no longer serve my highest good are fading into the distance.
This has not been an overnight development. I have been striving to overcome self-worth challenges for years. I considered making drastic changes a while ago but it didn’t feel like the right time. Following the course action I had planned back then would have been premature. Deep down, I knew the stressful dynamics being experienced would continue if I didn’t learn to overcome the challenges consciously. The dynamics would have reared their ugly little heads again at some point. You see, my reasons for escaping would have been to avoid confrontation. I would have been running away. All of this has nothing to do with another person by the way. The key culprit needing to be confronted is myself and the manner in which I deal with problems.
I have historically placed myself at the back of the queue, choosing to place the needs of others ahead of my own health and wellbeing. Lately though, I have been instead focusing on just being me. All of me. I have been choosing to stand in my light and honour myself more. I have been speaking up when I disagree with words spoken. Above all, I have become less tolerant of being spoken to or treated with disrespect.
This change in my behaviour has not been comfortable for some people. It seems to have been challenging them. I am less malleable than I used to be. Standing in my power means I need to stand up to those who believe I am a pushover. The over-accommodating, people-pleasing woman I once was is fast disappearing. Some people are going to really like and respect the rebirthed me. Others will find me objectionable. They wont like the challenge and will retreat. I am not bothered by that at all. I don’t fear their judgement.
Desire to Control
There is a time of letting go looming. Quite the challenge for a bowerbird like myself. I have held on to boxes of memories. Letters, photographs, even an old engagement ring from a painful relationship. It really is time to say ‘goodbye’ to all of it.
In letting go, I am creating more space within me for new opportunities. My inner project manager wants to plan and plot the path ahead. My ego wants to foresee any possible scenario that may hurt or hinder. If I prepare for the “inevitable” the journey should be a smooth one. Right? Alas the deeper part of me knows such rigidity will stymie the flow of opportunities coming forth. What a waste that would be.
I am refraining from giving in to the impulse to predetermine what the eventual outcome will be. Instead, I am trying to live in the moment. As a result I’m mindful of all of the exciting potential new adventures that are making themselves known. I am still riding the tidal wave of sorrow and grief that surfaces though which I am okay with. These intense feelings are experienced without emotional attachment as I bid farewell to all of the stuff that no longer serves me.
I mentioned to someone the other day that grief, sorrow and tears are not to be avoided. These emotions need to be experienced. They pass. Afterwards it feels like the storm has passed and there is a freshness and rejuvenation in the air.
Feature photo courtesy of Pixabay
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