One of the biggest challenges I have been confronted with in this lifetime is emotionally reacting to circumstances around me. The way people around me behave has nothing to do with me. And yet, far too often in my mind I make their behaviour about me. My feelings boil in my brain until the steam comes out my ears and I blow my stack emotionally. I don’t always hit outwardly at people. I often spontaneously implode.
This past week has been quite intense. I have been feeling intensely and processing the dynamics around me without being a victim, thinking everyone was bullying me. I have been observing my behaviour with non-attachment.
It was like I was sitting on a hill, looking out at my feelings. I watched them sail into the harbour of my soul and I watched them sail out again. I experienced those feelings intensely. There was a lot of grief and sorrow. It was excruciating. Yet there wasn’t any anger or bitterness and I wasn’t projecting outward at anyone else, blaming them. I was just being with me. Without dipping my toe into the negativity which often happens in victim-mode, I remained in the moment, feeling yet not fearing the agony.
The feelings came in waves which washed over me when I least expected it. I welcomed the feelings without trying to stifle them. I let the sorrow and grief flow, preferring to remain in the moment instead of running away from it. There was no downward spiral either. I have always feared that I would go down like a sack of potatoes with the experience of intense sorrow and grief. I was wrong.
Understanding and Compassion
When thinking of the people who triggered these feelings, I watched my thoughts as if I was a bystander. I could see clearly their behaviour was not about me. I was merely orbiting around their universe and they were up to their eyeballs in their own experience. No doubt they were feeling their own pain with intensity. Instead of anger and bitterness toward these people, I felt a flood of love and compassion. I understood. I was not alone.
It was refreshing not feeling that I had to justify my own pain by blaming another. I could just let it all go. In doing so I came to a big realisation. For the most part, my personal experience was not about my present. Through my pain I caught a glimpse of the seven year old Anne reacting to perceived rejection. In that moment perhaps when I feel the impulse to emotionally react it is through her wounded eyes I am seeing the world.
Giving Birth To A New Realisation
Not surprisingly, my sacral chakra was doing flip flops by Thursday. Intense spasms in my abdomen could not be dulled with Nurofen. The spasms were coupled with such lethargy that as I sat at my desk and closed my eyes I experienced a feeling of falling backwards following another contraction. On arriving home, I lay on the bed and feel into a deep sleep. I awoke five hours later without the pain. There has been a feeling of peace and calm ever since.
Perhaps this week I purged old, stuck emotion and beliefs from childhood that have held me back. Something has definitely been brewing within me for a while now. I look back over the last six months and the strength I feel and the growing self-worth is stronger than it’s ever been. Perhaps this week I gave birth to a new reality. Happy birthday!
Feature photo courtesy of Pixabay
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