The other day, a client took a photo of me as I massaged her feet. On showing me the picture, my reaction was one of immediate self-judgement. “I look like an old crone… Look at those bags around my eyes, the jowls…. the lines on my forehead… I feel old”. The weird thing is, I may look markedly older than when I was in my forties. However, at the age of fifty I feel decades younger.
I’m more confident in my own skin than I’ve ever been. And yet, sadly I succumb to judgements that are not my truth. Even though I’m kinder to myself these days, my reaction to this photograph demonstrates a reflex action that kicks into play every time I see an image of myself, particularly when I’m depicted lost in the moment.
When this photo was taken, my client didn’t see my flaws. She only saw and felt that love and caring, and how good that was making her feel. The first thing my mum noticed when she saw this photo was that in that moment, all my thoughts and energy were focussed on this lady’s wellbeing.
Why can’t I see what they see?
When we dive head first into self-judgement, we dilute our potency on every level. We dismiss what we have to offer the world, and we dull our inner light. We focus on the darkness and we don’t acknowledge the beauty in a moment.
Those of you who regularly read my blog will recall my post a year or so ago about the ring I had engraved. It was a quiet rebellion against the perceived judgement from others.
That ring disappeared mysteriously a couple of months ago. And I convinced myself I didn’t need a reminder anymore. While I’ve come a long way since September last year, my experience with this photograph has revealed yet another onion layer of that same self-worth rollercoaster ride.
Sometimes when we head down a rabbit hole of thoughts, it’s hard to find clarity. Reminders are needed to bring us back to a point of questioning why we feel or think the way we do, particularly when it’s unhealthy and full of judgement. In turn, to be brought back to the moment is truly a gift.