Anxiety often sneaks up behind you. It veils itself under the guise of a mixture of emotions, and you don’t even know it is upon you until someone points out that you’ve been acting “out of character”.
Over the past few weeks, anxiety has been buried under my bravado. I’ve been busy trying to make plans. The aim being to keep busy and active during this meantime. On the whole, I’ve been feeling empowered and confident. However, lurking beneath my busyness has been a fear of instability. As I’ve searched for a solid way forward, all I’ve encountered is rocky, uncertain ground.
Trying To Move Forward
I keep bumping into the realisation that I really don’t know what the future holds for me. And it’s like a brick wall I can’t see beyond or climb over. Whilst highly intuitive and strongly guided spiritually, I’m not meant to know exactly what I’ll be doing in the future. I understand this at a deeper level. However, I haven’t been coping well with floating in the ‘never never’ of possibilities. Time is precious. It’s running out, and I can’t afford to get stuck.
I know how I want to feel and the experiences I desire. My inner guidance keeps telling me to come back to the moment, to listen, be mindful of choices and decisions, and to follow my gut. I am embarking on my own Celestine Prophecy.
There’s been a few moments of terse reaction when diverted from my ‘to do’ lists. And because I generally struggle with the whole ‘go with the flow’ side of things, I surmise I’m merely struggling with my control freak tendencies. However, there’s much more to what’s happening with me than that.
A dear and trusted friend pointed out that prior to my relationship breakdown when I hadn’t been ‘in control’ of numerous aspects of my life, I didn’t seem to have this stress about my future.
Over the past few years I had started making some choices for me separate to my relationship. I had been implementing them slowly. I could breathe then as it was gradual. But now the flood gates are open and everything seems to be entirely in my own hands. What if I drop the ball whilst multi-tasking?
On reflection I realise perhaps control isn’t the source of my anxiety. It’s my current state of instability that is causing my mental ruckus to rear its ugly head.
Exploring The Lead Up
As I reflect on each and every part of my life, there is the realisation that I have somehow stepped off my path and I am now chasing the illusive butterfly in the wilderness.
Whilst I’m in a stable job, the environment over the past few weeks has been tumultuous. A few people at work going through difficult challenges had cast a pebble in my calm, confident pond. And the ripple had now enveloped me, causing me to question my purpose there. Does this unease really belong to me?
Housing prices and the urge to crack on with finding a permanent home has generated panic, particularly as I’m not yet ready on any level to make that sort of commitment.
Meanwhile, I have also somehow placed on myself pressure regarding Peacock Dreaming. The urge to push through and make things happen has been occupying my thoughts. I have so many exciting plans. Over the past few months though I feel like I have been letting my venture down. To a certain extent I have been reprimanding myself for not staying focussed. I’ve forgotten that Peacock Dreaming is about my spiritual journey and not the destination! If taking time out is required for self-reflection and care then that is always okay.
Attitude Readjustment Required
An awareness has been brewing over the past couple of days. I need to put into practice all of the things I have been learning and working on over the past few years.
I need to come back to that point of mindfulness. Relax into the question and explore without expectation. There is a call to pay attention, respect my boundaries and to follow my bliss rather than just following what others expect of me as a mature adult.
Whilst I now have an understanding of what this anxiety is about, it is just the first step in dealing with it. From experience I know the cyclical thoughts will return and create havoc. Hand in hand with the mindfulness and questioning, I’ll seek support to ensure those thoughts are put to rest.
Feature photo courtesy of Pixabay.