You’re never going to be everyone’s cup of tea. What matters most is that you find joy in being you.
I enjoy being me. I always have. Going to the movies solo, dining alone, and travelling on my own are experiences I relish. However, somehow within my relationship I had relinquished that joy in preference of connection.
I had faded into the background of our relationship whilst becoming absorbed into a life that wasn’t my own. At least that’s what it felt like. Perhaps whilst revelling in the ‘connectedness’ with another, I forgot to remain connected with myself. And as I continued to live my partner’s life, experiencing his passions and interests, I kicked my own desires to the kerb.
I enjoyed the new experiences and I grew a lot. I learnt a lot about myself and I overcame a lot of the limitations I had placed upon myself. However, I didn’t realise at the time that I was relinquishing an important part of myself. I wasn’t honouring me and what makes me happy. I became absorbed by making another person happy.
Relationships are about ‘give and take’. Sometimes, however, we give too much. Or we take too much. The scales become unbalanced. I had been placing my own passions on hold for so long a famine had taken hold without me realising. And when I decided to reintroduce my passions back into my life, I woke up to my hunger. The more my appetite was sated, the more I craved.
I held so much guilt about betraying our relationship. I was choosing me and not him. A heart-wrenching realisation as I had been taught to never give up. However, it was not “my passions” that created the rift. It was the perceived changes in me he couldn’t seem to relate to or understand. Common ground had abandoned the relationship.
To walk away from these evolving parts of me and to give up my passions would be like amputating a part of my soul. You’ll understand that if you’ve ever experienced an intense pull toward something that remains with you for an eternity, constantly reminding you it’s still there waiting for when the time is right. And the longer you ignore that inner voice, the louder it calls out.
I yearn to be accepted wholeheartedly for all that I am and for everything I have to offer. I am not a Woolworths Pick’n’Mix counter where you can pick and choose what parts of me you are willing to accept.
With the realisation that neither of us were receiving the level of connection we desired, we both decided to surrender. There is still such an abundance of love there. However, we both recognise that eventually feelings would become clouded as the chasm between us would inevitably widen. We decided to protect that love and channel it into our friendship instead.
This journey isn’t an easy one even though the parting has been relatively gentle. There is still grief to navigate through. And I suspect that may take a little while. However, now I am able to focus on enjoying being me without guilt or shame.
To that voice who calling out to me to come and play, watch out! I am coming for you.
Feature photo courtesy of Pixabay.