Battling the Fires Within ~ Anne McCormack

With the fires taking hold around the Nelson Tasman region this past week, people have been tested to the very core of their being. Whilst there has been a lot of fear, there has also been a deep gratitude and appreciation of blessings.

On a personal level, I experienced a huge awareness about myself in the way I cope with danger and perceived judgement. I also learnt I am far more capable than I give myself credit for.

What Emerged From The Fire

With a feeling of dread and fear, on Friday afternoon I stood watching out the office window as a fire rushed up a nearby hill. I recognised the volatility of the situation and the potential threat to my home in the next valley. However, despite this I remained quietly in the moment, completely aware of what I needed to do in order to not buy into unnecessary drama or negative emotion. I could feel it rippling up inside me but I didn’t want to fuel it.

I was thankful for the work in front of me. It enabled me to distance myself from my cyclical thoughts which would normally take me down a path of the worst case scenario. I was no use to anyone when this happened.

The Urge to Do Something

I phoned home to advise my partner of the fire on the hill. There was a potential risk that with a sudden change in wind direction the fire could affect our home. Apart from phoning to raise the alert, I realised there was little else I was able to do.

I wrestled with my mind. I was tempted to get on my bike and peddle home. However, it would be a futile effort. It takes over half and hour up the hill to arrive at the bottom of our steep driveway. Furthermore, it takes me a further twenty minutes to climb to the top of the driveway on a good day.

If I had ridden home, and if our valley had been affected by the fire, I would have become a burden to those fighting the blaze. I perceived no benefit in heroics. Therefore I chose to remain in the office keeping my panic at bay. I decided this would be the most practical and helpful option in that given moment.

As I sat contemplating the situation, a feeling of guilt surfaced within me. I started condemning myself for focussing on my work instead of devoting my energy to worry. I judged myself for not doing enough.

Not Helpless or Hopeless

A few people had commented on the potential risk to our valley. Some asked what I was going to do. Others insisted I needed to get home immediately. “Aren’t you worried?” Somehow I interpreted their words as a judgement of my decision to stay put. I felt heavy with guilt because I wasn’t doing anything.

My partner told me a few times I would be useless in an emergency. If I had given in to the worry and recklessly peddled home, I would have proven this judgement to be correct. Furthermore, if I had given in to those cyclical thoughts of panic, I would also have proven him right. However, last week I demonstrated my ability to function well in an emergency.

I managed my emotional responses. I recognised that even in the thick of a dire situation I still had the power of choice. Furthermore, in the event of an emergency I was able to focus on a task, and make rational yet difficult decisions.

Whilst the fire that ignited on that hill last week was a horrible event to witness and even more horrific to those living on that hill, it was also a wonderful gift in many ways. Not only was I thankful for my personal lesson, I also felt so much gratitude for the skill of the helicopters, spotter planes available to quickly attend to the situation, and all of those crews fighting the fires.