Fear can be a sneaky beast sometimes. Recently I found it lurking in amongst a pile of justifications I had made. It shocked me as I had not acknowledged to myself that fear was the key motivating factor.
Within my mind, I had somehow convinced myself that my reasoning for inaction was based upon the positive, heart-warming attributes as well as the feeling of security. Dynamics that had caused anger and frustration, that had bruised my sense of self-worth, well, they retreated behind a rose-tinted window. The warm fuzzies had me by the ‘short and curlies’.
There I was, caught in a state of inertia feeling all was right with my world. I didn’t need to make a change because somehow everything had magically transformed, and I no longer had to take any responsibility for outcomes.
I have been here before
A good friend of mine who has been walking this journey alongside me for while quizzically looked at me the other day. I think she was mentally preparing herself for another turn on my emotional merry-go-round. She asked, “Does what you are experiencing right now seem eerily familiar to you?”
What’s the Fear?
She had a point. I had visited this place of inertia more times than I can count. It is a space that I have been coming back to. “What’s the fear?” I took my friend’s question deep into my heart. When faced with significant change it is like I am learning to swim all over again. Leaving the safety and security from the familiar edge of the pool, kicking and paddling furiously (trying not to sink or drown). My justifications are akin to a life raft that swims by in my head. I cling to it, my feet still not touching the bottom, but my body relieved for the rest and security. Sometimes it is tempting to remain there on the life raft, floating around ‘no man’s land’.
Bigger Plans Ahead
Having worked on my self-worth and self-esteem in the past while, to not make changes that honour my contribution to the world would be a waste. To remain in the land of limbo is not an option. I have come so far across that swimming pool now. I have been practicing forever. Thank you, life raft for your interim security. It is time to complete what I started.
Feature photo courtesy of Pixabay