I have never been one of those teflon-coated people who tackle difficult situations like Zina the Warrior Princess. I marvel at how some people seemingly ‘brush off’ scary encounters which involve confrontation as if the issue is lint on their sleeve.
Part of my personal challenge is that I have a particularly loud, repetitive and somewhat persistent voice in my head. It has spent most of its lifetime ensconced in victimhood. The constant drone of this voice speaks to me like a mantra, expressing anger, hurt and grief over the way I perceive I have been treated by others.
Pre-empting Confrontation
I reflect on where this voice comes from, and how the aspect of me that invites it so readily to engage it has come to be. A part of me convinced myself this inner voice was a tool to use when preparing myself for difficult dynamics with people. I have always felt jittery and emotional with the anticipation of confrontation. Practising what I am going to say to that person as I drive along in the car, I imagine the reactions (note: none of those reactions perceived are positive. They are always dramatic and extreme). Over the years I have rationalised that ‘practicing’ confrontation like this will mean the reality will not be as intense. A ridiculous notion given that I am wrung out emotionally and wound up like a tight coil. All it takes is for someone close by, who is entirely separate from the situation to glance at me the wrong way, and ‘bang!’ like a tightly wound spring I catapult toward them with emotional reaction.
This past weekend I participated in an Access Foundation course. Hearing all sorts of stories as to how life changing this course is, I was keen to investigate whether after completing Foundation I would feel or function any differently. I have been standing on the edge of profound personal change for a little while now. After all, I have always believed any significant changes you make in your life need to conscious. There is no magic, or little pill you swallow that causes personal issues to evaporate from reality. You need to do the work.
Pacifying The Inner Seven Year Old
It has now been two days since I completed Access Foundation. As I drove to work this morning, it was like I was outside of myself observing my thoughts. That whiny, relentless inner seven year old voice was still nattering away about the difficult issues. However, there was also an awareness present that was not there a week ago. The awareness gently asked the inner voice, “what will this matter to you in a few months from now? Is this really what you are choosing to feel?” The voice kept trying to plead its case. Each time, the awareness asked the questions yet again.
It Takes Work
My seven year old inner child is still crying out. I still have the inner discontent. That remains there and it is still uncomfortable. There isn’t the emotional intensity there was. Instead of feeling emotionally exhausted, I feel quite energised. However, I recognise that this new awareness and clarity I have does not take away the responsibility I have to take the steps toward the change that I choose. Courage still needs to be there, and tenacity. This rediscovered awareness muscle needs to strengthen more. It needs to become habitual – a reflex action for want of a better term.
I am sure that in time, if I keep practicing and remaining mindful of my self-talk I will be able to face difficult situations without becoming emotionally exhausted by them.
Wow! Going by what I have been experiencing today, the amount of extra energy I will have to expend will be humungous. Look out world!
A shoutout to Rose Aitken, Facilitator of the four-day Access Foundation class I attended last weekend. Highly recommended for those of you seeking to make significant changes within your lives.
Anne McCormack is author of the book, Lovitude: Trying To Calm The Monkey Mind and the award-winning, Peacock Dreaming: The Wisdom Of Flowers.
Feature photo courtesy of Pixabay
Like what you have read here? Check out these other articles written by Anne McCormack:
My Wish For You – Stepping Into Mindfulness
Making Me Happy! A Journey Into Mindfulness
What Makes You Fizz? Living Your Purpose
Re-Learning The Joy Of Living With Journaling and Meditation
I have one of those voices too and have since a very young age. It’s always questioning, always doubting, always bracing for something it expects to be coming. I have much more control over it now and for long periods of time it all but disappears—until some form of actual crisis crashes down on me and then I can’t get rid of it again. I continue to work through it. Thank you for sharing because it does help to hear that I’m not the only one. 😉